Mary Anxiety

While sitting in adoration with my husband last Friday night I discovered something about myself: I'm afraid to be Mary. 

Let me explain. H and I went to adoration last weekend to intercede for a youth retreat that some friends of ours were leading. We had signed up for a holy hour and had nothing else planned for the rest of the evening. While we were praying several of the teenagers who were participating in the retreat came into the chapel to pray as well. We had been praying for about 45 minutes when all 6 or so of the high schoolers suddenly got up and left. H and I were the only two people left praying. My heart jumped. I was unable to focus. "What if no one else comes?" I thought anxiously. "What if we are here for more than our hour?"

I know what you're thinking (or at least I know what I think looking back on it now), "How ungrateful! Going to adoration, being in the presence of Jesus is a privilege, not something to be dreaded." We didn't even have anything we had to do or anywhere we had to be afterward. Even then I wondered at my feeling of anxiety, but I remained anxious nonetheless, until the person who had signed up for the next holy hour arrived 5 minutes later.

Why did I react that way? Why have I reacted the same way in the past but never really noticed it?

I'm afraid to be Mary. I'm afraid to give of my self; in this case, I'm afraid to give Jesus my time.

There's something really precious about time. I've been realizing that more and more. We don't get time back; once it's gone, it's gone. Just thinking about it makes me want to scoop up all my time and save it away in a jar!

But if I did that, what would my life be like? Time kept to oneself isn't precious, it's worthless. I simply couldn't live that way. 

Jesus invites me to give up my time, my life, so that I can truly live:

"For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it." [Matthew 16:25]

I try so hard to grasp onto things that are naturally passing away, like time. If I stop grasping and start giving freely, then I can really experience every moment, really live every moment.

I'm going to start by giving 5 more minutes of time in prayer every day. I want to be Mary for those 5 minutes, lovingly giving my time away.